[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
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First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
me: my friends:
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it