My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
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WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you