[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
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*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Would you wear it?
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Happy Halloween 🎃
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”