quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
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Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze