Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
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[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
me when i see my girls butt
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
I was bored.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.