Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
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Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.