I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
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my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
My birthstone is kidney
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?