Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
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I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes