Jesus steals the winter solstice
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Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
#oldknees
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
This is my emotional support knife.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
I thought this was funny lol
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”