I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
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Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Happens to everyone.