Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
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Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Hmm, not sure about this change
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”