Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
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A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Simple
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Home #decor warning.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard