wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
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Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”