If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
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Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.