I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
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Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
operators are standing by to ignore your call
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Worth remembering.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
got so much cardio in today
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000