Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
You Might Also Like
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
@ candidates for local office
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
The news
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?