*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
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Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
the answer was staring at me all along
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Canada has crack?
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets