I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
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ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.