[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
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Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.