I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
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See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Okay, I’m still confused…
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom