HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
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Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
a fate I wish upon no one
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.