If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
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I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?