*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
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[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!