Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
You Might Also Like
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
My background check bounced.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
I support this random dude and all his protests
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?