“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
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they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
[eats all your cotton candy]
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
#Caturday
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Harsh but fair
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.