Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
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Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
I bet birds love this building.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.