A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
You Might Also Like
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
This could be us… but you playing
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.