In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
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I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Any refunds available?…