At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
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[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
BaD BoY!!
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Selfie
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears