My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
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god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
🤣🤣🤣
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what