Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
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Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?