I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
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conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.