Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
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I’ve had relationships like this
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!