I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
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I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers