Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
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REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
“What movie?” 🤔
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”