Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
You Might Also Like
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Not messing around