“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
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Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing