Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
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RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business