My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
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Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?