That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
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Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
She puts the hot in psychotic
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this