What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
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i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.