Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
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ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
mom gave me mine for free
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
oh my gosh!!
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.