Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
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I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.