Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
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[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Good news
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad