Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
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I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.