“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
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Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Always
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>