I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
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[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Anime is real
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed