“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
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Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
scenes of unspeakable carnage