Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
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Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
#MeanwhileInCanada
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.