If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
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Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Webb. James Webb.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.